Shey's Tumblr Stuff from your favourite Jamaican

1.  My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.  She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’   I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started.

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2.  My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.  She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’   I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.

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3.  When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… so, I took her to a gas station…

And then the fight started.

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4.  After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.  The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.  She said, ‘you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started.

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5.  My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’  ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started.

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6.  I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!!  He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’  So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’

And then the fight started.

CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER - What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL ADVISER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.

Because I’m a man , when I lock my keys in the car, I will

fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.

Calling AAA is not an option.  I will win. 
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Because I’m a man , when the car isn’t running very well,

I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what

I’m looking at.  If another man shows up, one of us will say

to the other, ‘I used to be able to fix these things, but now

with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know

where to start.’  We will then drink a couple of beers and

break wind, as a form of holy communion. 
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Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone

to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and

moan.  You’re a woman.  You never get as sick as I do, so

for you, this is no problem. 
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Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic

groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread.  I cannot be

expected to find exotic items like ‘thyme’ or ‘tofu.’  For all I

know, these are the same thing. 
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Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops

working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that

this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person

gets here and has to put it back together. 
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Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote

control in my hand while I watch TV.  If the thing has been

misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it…..though

one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator…..

( applies to engineers mainly ).
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Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m

thinking about.  The true answer is always either sex, cars,

sex, sports or sex.  I have to make up something else when

you ask, so don’t ask. 
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Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or

have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she

calls, or think about her any more than I have to.  Whatever

you got her for Mother’s Day is okay;  I don’t need to see it.

And don’t forget to pick up something for my mother, too. 
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Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the

movie.  Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t

..and if you are feeling amorous afterwards….then I will

certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to

others. 
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Because I’m a man , I think what you’re wearing is fine.  I

thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,

too.  Either pair of shoes is fine.  With the belt or without it,

looks fine.  Your hair is fine.  You look fine.  Can we just go

now? 
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Because I’m a man , and this is, after all, the year 2008, I

will share equally in the housework.  You just do the laundry,

the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,

and I’ll do the rest…… Like wandering around in the garden

with a beer wondering what to do. 

This has been a public service announcement for women to

better understand men.

History Mystery

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday .
Both Presidents were shot in the head

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln ‘s secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy’s Secretary was named Lincoln .

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.



John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.



Both assassins were known by their three names..
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named ‘Ford.’
Kennedy was shot in a car called ’ Lincoln ’ made by ‘Ford.’

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here’s the kicker…

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: ‘I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,’

—Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

‘Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.’
—Mariah Carey

‘Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,’
— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .

‘I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,’
—Winston Bennett, University  of Kentucky basketball forward

‘Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,’
—Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC

‘That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,’
—A congressional candidate in Texas

‘Half this game is ninety percent mental.’ 
—Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

‘It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.’
—Al Gore, Vice President

‘I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .’
— Dan Quayle

‘We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?’
—Lee Iacocca

‘The word ‘genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.’    
—Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

‘We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.’
— Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

‘Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.’
— Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

‘Traditionally, most of Australia ’s imports come from overseas.’
—Keppel Enderbery

‘If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.’
—Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman